Frustrating days

Do I like living here? Some days. Have I thought about staying? Sometimes. Are there things I prefer about Africa? A few. I like the lazy pace of the day, where time spent drinking tea with friends is valued. I like the fact that not every aspect of life is regulated, unlike in the US. I like being able to afford to eat fresh fruit and veggies every day. Most of all I like that my life is sort of settled and carefree. I don't have to worry about insurance, bills, etc. I have a place to stay, a roof, albeit a leaky one, over my head.

But this isn't my life and I don't belong here. Yesterday it really sunk in when I went off on a woman at the water pump. I can't see this woman without her trying to give me her child and put her hands in my face. Some people are born obnoxious- they have to be loud, a spectacle and they want to be in everyone's business. She is one of these people. So when I tell her to leave me alone what does she do? She waits and while I'm leaning down to tighten the cap on my bidon she reaches out and rubs my hair. My nice clean, just washed hair. I am pissed. I am sick and fucking tired of being treated like a zoo animal. Surrounded by children screaming at me: for attention, for money, for God only knows what. Then one gets brave, runs out and smacks me before returning to the fold- now able to say they touched a white person. I am followed, harassed and why- because I'm so clearly an outsider.

People who are deformed, crazy, albino, midgets, victims of polio, goiters, the list goes on. They aren't met with stigma or treated like side show freaks. It's a good thing but my point is they are also different but they are treated the same as the rest of the village. It doesn't matter if an albino and I are both white; I'm not African so I get singled out. No matter how well integrated I try to be. I'm not going to be accepted and therefore my differences can be exploited and treated like some science project. I don't belong here.

It wouldn't be so bad if this was a really isolated area and I was the first white person they had seen. I understand when I'm in those situations. But here, no, I don't understand, there are several other foreigners living here on a permanent or semi-permanent basis. We are not unusual. There is no need to make a spectacle of us.

Still at the end of the day it's clear: I don't belong here. I'm caught in an odd position because I don't have much to go back to. There is no job lined up, no grad school applications, I really don't know what I'll be doing or where. I'll know the rules, how to take care of myself and I won't have to change my personality to fit in and function in society. I'll belong and after two years that will be a nice feeling.

My every action won't be under constant scrutiny. I won't be a major topic of community gossip (I hope). I can drink a beer at home or wear shorts. People won't constantly demand my attention because I'm a novelty. Friendships will not be based on bragging rights but because people genuinely like me. I'll belong.